In lieu of a long explanation of my absence from my blog and Twitter, I offer you this poem I wrote when my middle child was entering the toddler phase.

Discovery (After the Fog) By Kristin Smith

There are many names for the newborn phase.
Some call it a bubble.
I imagine new parents and their babies
Lightly floating in familial bliss,
Drifting through the days on a
Gentle, easy breeze.

Others call it a fog,
And that seems more accurate,
Especially if it’s the thick kind
That you can barely see through,
That feels like the sky is weighing you down,
Pushing you down,
Crushing you with its weight.
(Maybe this metaphor
Only applies to those of us
With Post Partum Depression,
Post Partum Anxiety,
Or any other Post Partum Something.)

I lived in the fog for more than
Three years.
Two babies,
Not even two years apart,
Two world-turned-upside-down,
Nothing you knew 
Is true anymore,
Not even who you are,
Kind of events.

Now, the fog has lifted,
(Maybe not completely,
But at least it’s hanging above me now
Instead of engulfing me)
And I am not who I was,
But who I am is better.

Who I am sees conflict,
And walks steadily toward it,
Instead of running and hiding.

Who I am finished a Master’s degree
Through sleep deprivation and
Endless cycles of sick children,
And has mastered time management.

Who I am plays Play Doh
And colors pictures of princesses
And reads books about dinosaurs
To an aspiring paleontologist-ballerina-princess,
And rushes to get her to dance classes
After work on Thursdays.

Who I am still loves music
And politics
And reading
And writing
And running outside on a clear, cool day.
(I may have forgotten
All of this 
In the fog,
But I remember now.)

Who I am now is who I was before,
But also more,
And for that,
I am grateful for the fog;
But I also hope
That I might get to live in the bubble
If I ever do it
Again.

I did decide to do it again, and my son was born in October of 2020. I found out I was pregnant in February of 2020. In case anyone was wondering, a global pandemic made the fog thicker and heavier and more choking-definitely still no bubble. But I’m finally emerging again.

Later this week, I’ll get back to posting about teaching and learning on a more regular basis.